Hiding Your Uniqueness May Be Turning People Off

don't hide who you are

dataclysmIt’s 10:52pm on a Thursday. Having consumed too much caffeine, I lay in bed, tired but unable to drift off into slumber. With a sigh, I turn on the bedside lamp and grab the nearest book: Dataclysm: Who We Are (When We Think No One’s Looking) by Christian Rudder.

In Dataclysm, Rudder takes absurdly large datasets from OKCupid.com, the dating website he co-founded, and uses this data to tell the stories of how we behave online and why. It’s fascinating.

The particular chapter I read tonight focuses on how “controversial”, polarizing women get more messages and dates on OKCupid.com than those who are conventionally attractive. For example, if a woman with many piercings and tattoos has an average rating of 3 – comprised of some men rating her a lowly 1 (not a fan of tattoos) and some men rating her a perfect 5 (love the tattoos) – she will, on average, find more success than the bombshell blonde where most guys rate her a 3, 4, or 5.  In other words, an average rating is misleading. What’s important is the distribution of ratings.

Wow, that’s weird. Why does that happen?

Who knows. Rudder’s data shows correlation, not causation. Nevertheless, Rudder ventures a few guesses, first focusing on the perceptions of the men who choose to message her:

“Her very unconventionality implies that some other men are likely turned off; it means less competition. Having fewer rivals increases his chances of success.”

This is a solid guess, but probably doesn’t tell the whole story.

Of greater interest, Rudder also proposes that this phenomenon is related to the well-documented pratfall effect (i.e. an individual’s attractiveness increases after committing a small blunder). If that’s even partially true, it would indicate that we often appreciate things more, not because of a lack of flaws, but by their very presence.

To quote Rudder one more time:

“So at the end of it, given that everyone on Earth has some kind of flaw, the real moral here is: be yourself and be brave about it. Certainly trying to fit in, just for its own sake, is counterproductive.”

This was the idea that caught my attention.

We feel such a strong pull towards appearing “normal”, lest we expose ourselves to judgment and ridicule from others. Yet here we are with a case study demonstrating the triumph of the unconventional. Perhaps this call to uniqueness carries over into other areas of life as well? Or maybe it’s an isolated case in the wacky world of online dating.

It’s an idea worth exploring.

Photo Credit: Enrico Policardo


You Should Remind Yourself of Your Mortality. Here’s What People Remind Themselves of Instead.

Remind yourself that...

The truth is . . . once you learn how to die, you learn how to live.
—Morrie Schwartz

Ever since reading Tuesdays With Morrie, I’ve been quite taken with the idea that in order to live, you must learn how to die. In other words, in order to get the most out of life, you should live each day with the understanding that your time on this planet is limited.

The problem is, we’re not very good at remembering our mortality—especially while we’re young. As such, we end up binge-watching Netflix and overeating McDonalds far more often than we should.

Morrie isn’t the only one to recognize the power of keeping mortality in mind as often as possible. In his book Show Your Work!, artist Austin Kleon recommends reading the obituaries every day to inspire you to take action. It’s a good suggestion, but the idea of reading obituaries every day doesn’t appeal to me in the slightest.

Thankfully, the internet is chock-full of people finding creative means of remembering their own mortality.

Yet, it seems that mortality is far from the most popular thing people like to remind themselves of. How do I know? During my research, I started typing remind yourself that you will die someday into Google. The Google search box, in an attempt to show me popular searches, gave me the following auto-completed results.

Remind yourself that...

Nothing about mortality? Ok then.

Not quite what I was looking for, I’m afraid. It seems one’s mortality isn’t top of mind for people searching on the web.

Nevertheless, after sprucing up my Google search, I found some interesting techniques for keeping mortality top of mind, whether to boost your motivation to act on goals or for greater mindfulness of our time on this beautiful planet.

1. The Colored Beads Technique

I came across this technique on Boing Boing. In a nutshell, game designer Chris Crawford owns 29,216 small plastic beads, which he transfers into a jar with each passing day, representing his numbered days on earth.


Similar to the colored beads technique is using jelly beans to represent your life in days. Even if you can’t replicate this, the video describing it is a powerful reminder of our limited time on Earth. Continue Reading…

Facing the Unknown: Perspectives from the Past and Present

facing the unknown

The Unknown. Uncertainty. Randomness. Fate. Regardless of the name given to it, this force can alter our lives with a flick of the metaphorical wrist. It permeates all aspects of our lives, whether we’re aware of it or not.

Personally, I have an awkward relationship with all things unknown. When confronted with a situation that has no clear precedent, missing information, or an otherwise complete lack of clarity, I obsess. I obsess a lot. In fact, I’ll usually obsess to the point of misery.

Many types of uncertainty cause anxiety for good reason: health issues, job stability, national crises, etc. It’s quite fair to say that these situations warrant anxiety and extreme attention to their proper resolution.

In this post, I’m more concerned with uncertain, anxiety-inducing situations that should otherwise be exciting moments in your life:

  • Choosing a college (and subsequently, a major)
  • Launching your career
  • Finding a life partner
  • Moving away from home for the first time
  • Starting a business
  • …the list goes on

Again on a personal note, I’ve noticed that these exciting times in my life were often tainted with a sense of misery from the unknowns and uncertainties they brought along with them. Here are a few examples; can you relate?

Continue Reading…

On Being Comfortable in the Gray

The color of truth is gray.
—Andre Gide

Moving to San Francisco was quite a jump for me. My friends, family, and other loved ones were all based in the New York area; I had a great job in the heart of New York City; and I could count all of the people I knew on the west coast on one hand. Leaving everything behind was tough.

But I moved. And roughly one year later, I couldn’t be happier with my decision.

There’s something rejuvenating about pushing the reset button. The feeling is not unlike your first day of college – a clean slate and near infinite ways to craft yourself into who you want to be, rather than what people have always known you to be.

One theme that’s been present in my life since pressing the proverbial reset button is living comfortably in life’s shades of gray. Or, as a close friend has put it, living in the colors between black and white.


Type-A personalities, take note.

As a stereotypical type-A personality, I seek comfort in clearly defined boundaries. If I couldn’t define right and wrong when presented with a situation, I’d become anxious and try and coerce the situation into a simpler, black-and-white version of itself. A version that was easier to handle, mentally and emotionally.

While this did a great job of reducing mental burden, allowing me to make a decision and move on (something us type-A personalities crave), it did so at the expense of a fuller understanding of the situation.

You see, when you prematurely force your circumstances into their simpler black-or-white counterparts, you miss out on the full story, and, potentially, the opportunities that become apparent from a fuller understanding of the situation. I’ll spare you the details, but I’ve certainly missed out on plenty of opportunities in both my work and personal life as a result of my inability to navigate ambiguity properly.

If you’re like me, and dislike when you’re kept in a state of ambiguity, take note. I’ve been working to better handle life’s many gray areas, and while it hasn’t been easy, I’m beginning to notice significant benefits from doing so.


Some benefits I’ve noticed.

Since making an effort to be comfortable with the unknown, the unclear, the blurry lines, I’ve noticed three benefits:

1) I’m better able to take advantage of opportunities. When you keep your mind open to the fact that you’re navigating through gray zones, you prevent yourself from locking into one mode of thinking. Confirmation bias is a tried-and-true phenomenon that causes people to narrow their thinking when they’ve already locked on to an expectation.

When I used to coerce situations into black and white, I’d do so in order to latch on to the course of action I deemed as the better approach (hence relieving my mind from the burden of pending decisions). However, the black and white version of the situation wasn’t the real version. So although I’ve made my decision, I’d usually learn in retrospect that being more patient with the situation would’ve yielded a better course of action.

2) I’m easier to work with. When you become comfortable with the uncertainty that the gray areas of life bring, you become more open and tolerant to last-second changes, plans that keep shifting around, and various other unclear circumstances in your life.

This has the potential to make you easier to work with, both at work and in your personal relationships. Have you ever had to work with someone who was impatient and insisted on premature decisions? These people cannot navigate uncertainty well, and seek solace in decision, when often it’s advantageous to wait for additional information to reveal itself.

This same logic sometimes applies to people who jump into relationships too quickly, for example, when it would likely be advantageous to go on a few more dates to check for compatibility.

3) I’m happier. In order to be more comfortable with gray areas, I’ve found that you need to stop obsessing about the future and live more in the present moment. It goes without saying, but adopting a mindset where you obsess less about the future and focus more on the present tends to make you happier. It’s one of the core tenets behind meditation, after all.


Want to try this too?

For any readers who have the same mentality as me (overthinker who feels a sense of comfort from clearly defined boundaries), here’s what I’d recommend:

1) Look for the gray first. No need to take action yet. Simply keep your mind open to the possibility that certain situations might be better served if you deferred a final decision. Perhaps if you sleep on it, talk to a someone you trust, or just wait a few days, the situation might reveal more information that can aide in the proper decision.

2) Journal to wrap your mind around the gray. I’ve found that either journaling or talking through the situation with someone you trust helps you adapt to unclear circumstances. Especially for those of us who crave the simplicity of black and white situations, it can be easy to back track and prematurely decide on something simply to release the situation’s mental burden. Make it a point to deliberate more on these situations than you might’ve in the past.

3) Meditate, if necessary. My mind is so overactive, I had to start meditating to better keep myself in the present moment. When I wasn’t meditating, I’d still obsess over gray areas, and tended to narrow my thinking on one course of action, even if somewhat arbitrarily chosen due to the uncertainty of the situation. Meditation is a very handy tool for those us who wish to be more comfortable with ambiguity.


A caveat and a conclusion.

While this all sounds good on paper, I’ve found that you can’t be this deliberate for all of the gray areas in your life. Some are time sensitive, in which case you must act with imperfect information. In other cases, it might be too much cognitive load to address every gray area in your life with this much attention. Sometimes, you have to pick and choose.

Nevertheless, by approaching certain gray areas in your life with a more open-ended, mindful approach, you’ll find yourself extracting more value from these situations, as you’ll be able to avoid premature decisions and confirmation bias, and adapt more quickly when new information becomes available.

Do you have any experience with navigating the ambiguity of gray areas? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.